June 6, 2011 (Day 12)

I never really knew how much a language can be a comfort for someone until this experience. I do love the Spanish language. I love everything about it. The words, the phrases, the pronunciation. Everything. The only part about it that gets me is how far from fluent I am. I speak with my family, professors, market vendors, etc. and realize that I need a lot more work until I am close to being fluent. Spanish just seems like work, too. With Spanish, I need to think. I need to try and decide if the sentence I will say needs to be in the preterite or the present perfect. I need to try and think of the right verb to use or how to structure the sentence correctly so that the people don't think I am an ignorant American.

However, with English everything is so easy. It almost seems carefree to me. It is something that I can use freely, without thought because it is so natural to me. It is a part of who I am. It is a part of my fabric as a being. With it, I can express complex thoughts and ideas with ease. I can communicate with my friends and professors without having to think about my sentence structure or word choice.

This is why I feel at times uncomfortable around people here in Peru. It has nothing to do with who they are or what they are. Everyone I have come across and had the privilege to talk to has been nothing but gracious to me. The people here are so sweet and caring, but at times, I want to just isolate myself in my room and talk to Amy or just someone in English. Even if it is just reading something in English, I feel an instant sense of relief and comfort. It is a feeling that I long to have all the time. It is part of the reason I almost want to go home right now. The comforts of the States (my fiance, my favorite restaurants, my friends, my family, my cat, Tour Team and giving tours of campus, etc.) are starting to pile up on me and make me wish I was there.

I guess this is what culture shock feels like, right? I have never been away from the States for very long, and not nearly as long as this trip takes. But, I feel like I have done the right thing in being able to identify culture shock. Now, I have to deal with it and suck it up. I have to realize that being a serious student of Spanish for only a little over 2 years is not going to make me fluent or anywhere close to it. I do feel blessed to know how much I already know, and now it is time to add upon that knowledge to better myself and my understanding of a different culture. This is truly a once in a lifetime experience and I do not want to waste it cooped up in my room, isolating myself from everyone. That does me no good. I will have to take this challenge head-on and hope to come out on top. If I don't at least I can say that I tried.