Redemption

Isn't is funny how things happen in life you thought would never occur? Do you ever imagine being someone you never thought you would be or do something you never thought you would do? I was one of those people.

I always saw myself as a man that couldn't hurt a fly, unless SERIOUSLY provoked. I cared for the feelings and characters of the people which I associate myself with to do any major harm or inflict any major pain to. This pain would be either physical or emotional. I just saw myself as a considerate, loving person who would do anything for family and friends. Then, however, my perspective of myself crashed through the floor as I realized the truth in a fashion I never thought I would learn it, if I ever did.

It happened on a Sunday morning. I wake up in the late morning hours to a beautiful disaster of a room, just the way I like it. Everything indicated a good day coming, until reality struck me dead in the face. Amy, my fiance, had learned of my untruthfullness. She had pulled back the outer shell that is my charming personality and took a look deep within, something I do not seem to do too often. I struggled to believe of my mishaps and tried to deny the truth. The truth being that I was not totally honest with her in our relationship. We talked about it and I began to see how badly I had hurt her. Time felt like it was running short and I was yearning to spend every second with her to work things out.

This wouldn't have been my attitude in high school. In high school, I looked for things that were going wrong in the relationship as my ticket out. I saw relationships as almost a social aspect. You weren't cool if you didn't have someone to hold hands with or to spend time with. However, deep down, all I wanted was someone I could spend the rest of my life with. Even in high school I felt there was that one person out there. That one person who would be there in times of need and in times of joy. Someone who loved to go out and spend a night on the town but who would also love to cuddle on the couch and spend a night in. That is the person I was looking for, the person I was praying for. That person is Amy Backes.

As I started to realize this in full clarity as I had to spend time in a meeting apart from her, I felt inspired to compose a poem and letter together, in hopes of displaying my commitment to our relationship and tell her of my realization about my unconditional love for her. The only thing I could hope to come out of this is forgiveness and a fresh start. As I pass on the letter to her, she tells me she has also composed one for me. She sends me with the message that it is dark and detailed, something I was fearing. As I read it, the first three-quarters of the message is detailing how hurt she is by my actions and how she is surprised she is still here with me today. Thankfully, that portion was followed with the message of love and commitment to me as well. I was joyful to see those words as I didn't feel as if I deserved them at that time.

The point is, redemption is a beautiful thing when you receive it. It isn't so beautiful to the person giving it to you but it is a mutual understanding of trust that you will do the right thing and not perform the same troubling acts that put you there in the first place. That is exactly what I am planning to do. I plan to be 100% truthfull to her for the rest of our lives as that is how long I plan on spending with her. That is a promise that I will keep until the day I die. Forgiveness only works so many times, so I am taking this as my last chance to prove to her the love that burns inside of me. The unconditional love for her that will last us the rest of our lives no matter the adversities we encounter and no matter the difficulties we will face, we will tough it out together.

My thought:

Be truthfull to the people around you no matter how bad it might seem at the time, it will only get worse if you don't say it.

Waiting

What do you like to do while you wait? It doesn't matter what you are waiting on, because waiting is waiting no matter who you are waiting for or what you are waiting on. I usually enjoy playing video games or watching sporting events on television. Those things usually entertain me pretty well. Sometimes, however, it isn't enough. Sometimes those things don't keep me occupied. Sometimes it feels as if you have more time by yourself than you could possibly need or want to accumulate at one time and nothing you do seems to fill the void.

I have been trying to keep myself entertained for the past hour and 15 minutes as I wait for someone and everything I do doesn't seem to work to fill the void of this person being gone. I am not sure what this person could be doing or saying that could take this long or create such a stimulated conversation between her and others that she couldn't let me know what was going on until I checked on her, but I know she is doing what is best for her right now.

I just took a walk around the residence hall I am in right now, wondering why I feel so alone or upset right now. I guess it is due to the fact that the person of whom I am waiting on made it seem like she would be back in 25 minutes or so based on many people being home due to Labor Day weekend travels. It is nearing an hour and 20 minutes of time spent solo and I am wondering why she couldn't tell me she would be longer than the 25 or 30 minutes she hinted she might disappear for. Whatever it is, I don't want to seem like I am pissed or anything because I am not. I am just a little upset that I was, at least in my own head, mislead by the information presented to me and not contacted when it changed.

If you read this Amy, I love you so much and I am not angry at you or anything. I just wish you could have let me know you were stopping to talk to residents for an hour or so so that I didn't worry about you or what you were doing, because Lord knows....I was.

Communication is the key to any relationship and the most healthy tool you can use and utilize. Without communication, the world will never work and people will never work to their full potential.

Until next time.

First Time For Everything

As the title suggests, I am a newcomer to the blogging generation. I like to think of myself as a "hip" guy or someone on the cutting edge of technology and knowledge. This blog might not be the best indication of this as I am now 19, almost turning 20, and this is my first official post on a blogging network. Of course I used to have a Xanga where blogging was, in my eyes, first introduced to the world, however, I didn't really take it that seriously and so here I am old and inexperienced. It hurts to think that kids that are 5 years younger than I am are more fluent and know the "ins and outs" of blogging that I have yet to discover.

The real inspiration for this blog has to be credited to my fiance, Amy Backes. She has had one for years now and I never really hoped on the bandwagon. She never pressured me to create one and for a while I never thought I would have enough thoughts and ideas to put into a blog that I would be able to constantly update. Those thoughts coupled with the reality that I might not be as exciting and interesting as I think I am pushed me away from the creation of this site, until today. Today I thought to myself, "Why not? Why don't I just make a blog and do my best to keep up on it?" This sparked intrigue and with the fascinating things I see around my college campus everyday, it is indeed enough to write about. So I give you all my first blog. My first attempt to reach out to the world during this "globalization" thanks to media forms such as the Internet and TV. I am taking advantage of this fact and hope to do so many more times.

I want to try to leave each post with a thought that I believe is relevant to everyone's life:

Whenever you don't want to do something because it seems to overwhelming, just dive right into it and after a while, it won't seem so bad. This can relate to homework, work at your place of occupation, or maybe even some kind of relationship. Like Nike says, "Just do it."

Until next time.